


Defeat

by GrilledBeer



Category: One Piece
Genre: M/M, Nakamaship, Sanji deals with his issues, chapter 1005 reflections
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:26:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29756817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrilledBeer/pseuds/GrilledBeer
Summary: Reflections on Ch. 1005 (Spoiler). Background ZoSan.Does admitting one's weakness necessarily mean defeat? Sanji bites the bullet and faces his own issues as he cries for Robin to come and save him from Black Maria.
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 11
Kudos: 46





	Defeat

He always finds it easy to do just what he _wants_. Give himself up to the many whims as they come, let himself be whisked away.

It comes to him naturally to light himself just another cigarette more — which quickly turns into four, five — to quieten that urge for some _purchase_. It’s also a mindless thing to whip up just the snack he’s craving at the moment — warm onion soup that was given to him once on a rainy day, simple butter cookie with the taste of home… He has also come to live with his own tendency to just kick off his shoes and shred his shirt, before jumping overboard for an unplanned bath in the glittering ocean on a random fine day.

Even forcing himself to do what he _doesn’t_ want to do, isn’t that difficult for him.

He had put on a woman’s dress the Okama had forced him into, because he told himself that he was doing it for the crew. Even if it had broken his self esteem to bits, and had given him this shitty lashback in the form of borderline maniac reaction to the feminine presence, he could bear with it and get back on his feet. Even when he had had to crawl back to the Vinsmoke virtually on his hands and knees, a one-way ticket back into his nightmares, he could live with it for the sake of those important to him.

It’s _not_ doing exactly what he _doesn’t_ want to do, that’s the problem.

He likes to think that he has this terrible aversion to swords — not blades, because he can handle knives just fine — only swords. They had put a sword in his hands early on in his life and told him to _slash_ , to _stab_. They had attempted to train him in the way of the swords. He had tried, did his best to handle the unwieldy steel, assume the position they had told him to, trying to live up to their expectations, because _sword is the arm of royalties_.

He had looked to his brothers, who were adroitly swinging their miniature swords around, even as they were mere toddlers. The metal was heavy in his own weak, infantile hand. Regardless, he made a clumsy stab as instructed. The tip of his sword went wide, scarring the birds out of a nearby tree. He was reprimanded with a polite, _please focus harder on your aim, Sanji-sama_ , but that was enough to make him realize that he hated it, hated weapons in general. Despite everything, he tried again, and this time the sword flew out of his awkward grip, landing on the grass, crushing the little stalks of wild flowers. It left a bitter taste on him, but the pressure from his family, the pressure to not _disappoint_ , made it impossible for his younger self not to pick up the weapon after each time he had dropped it. He didn’t want to, but he had to.

It was the same with the time when they had to starve that marine honey bee out of necessity. The Thousand Sunny had been drifting on the Grand Line between the last island and the next, led off its course by an overnight storm. Nami-san said that the only way to get to the next island was by following one of the bees that came offshore to prey on marine lives in that part of the ocean. The insect was about the size of a pet dog, and they had tied a rope around its middle as it flew in the direction of nearest land. If they had fed it some food or water, it wouldn’t be able to sense where the pollens were, and the Straw Hats would find themselves adrift again.

“Sanji~!”

Luffy threw himself at him out of nowhere. Their captain’s rubbery arms wrapped itself around his shoulders, clinging to him. He had been starring at the insect all morning, chain-smoking his dwindling supply of cigarettes away. They were making steady course towards the direction the insect was leading them. The bee had been at it since yesterday’s evening, when they had captured it.

“I’m hungry! Make me some snack plea~se!”

He didn’t say anything at first, thinking about the bee at the end of the rope. It was another day until they reached the island, according to their navigator.

Eventually, he answered Luffy with some distraction.

“It’s almost lunchtime. Go kill some time until then.”

“Please, Sanji! Anything!”

For a fraction of a second, he felt angry at Luffy for asking for food when they were slaving the insect away. The emotion was gone as fast as it first came, and he felt terrible for taking it out on their clueless captain. However, it did not escape Luffy’s sharp senses.

“Oh… you’re worried about the bee.”

He didn’t answer. Luffy turned him around and simply said to him.

“You know you can’t feed it, right?”

The captain’s tone was matter of fact and devoid of all emotions. Luffy was just stating a fact to him.

“I know that. But.”

Zoro came up on deck, hand resting on his swords. Sanji turned his face away from either of them. Zoro had to have heard their conversation and came up to check.

“Stupid cook. That bee can survive longer than a few days without food. Even Chopper said so.”

“Still.”

“Come on, let’s go spar.”

Zoro put his hand on the inside of his elbow and dragged him away from the bee. Luffy unwrapped his arms to let him. Yet, Sanji dug his heels in, refusing to move.

“I want to stay here. Leave me alone.”

Zoro sighed.

“I know you’re a stubborn son of a bitch, but it’s useless. Keeping an eye on it didn’t make it suffer any less.”

“I said leave me alone.”

“…”

Zoro sighed again. The swordsman picked him up and carried him away on his shoulder.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing!?”

Luffy’s gaze followed them indifferently. Sanji’s eyes caught the glimpse of the bee.

He didn’t want to starve it, but he had no choice.

And now, he finds himself at the mercy of these female monsters in the Banquet Hall inside the samurai castle.

Fighting the ladies is the last thing he wants to do.

“Call Nico Robin here, Black Leg.”

“Urgh.”

Suspended spread-eagle with the cobwebs that Black Maria has spun, he’s totally trapped and can’t move his body at all. The gigantic devil-fruit user has put brass knuckles on each of her hands.

“Call her.”

“!!!”

He doesn’t want to lift a hand against her, so his only option is to suffer as the blows rain down on him. Black Maria’s hand has to be about the size of his torso, and her brass-reinforced attacks clash squarely against his body. The cobwebs holding him in place ensures that he takes the full impact from each hit. The blows connect, leaving behind fractures on his bones and bruises on his organs. At some point, he gulps out a large slob of blood that seems to come from the depth of his stomach.

This won’t do… If he doesn’t hurry, the people they’ve come to protect will…

Yet, he can’t bring himself to turn his own attacks on to the women.

“Take this!!!”

“cough!!!”

A chance blow hits him hard in the side, sending the spun threads holding him in place stretching backwards and he can hear a couple of ribs creak. The blood coming out of his nose tells him of the severity of the damage. Another hit sinks into flesh of his stomach, crushing into his organs, and two things suddenly become clear to him.

First, he won’t fight the women.

Second, this can’t go on.

He needs to go assist the samurai, or this battle will be lost. And he refuses to harm these women, even if they are his enemies. He knows he’s being egocentric, but he can’t really let go of his principles. In order to preserve what’s important to him, there is nothing he can do but admit defeat.

For the first time in his life, he decides to run away from a fight.

Choosing to give up on one’s own terms is never easy. It’s the hardest choice to make. It means facing one’s own weakness and embracing it. Compared to this, forcing himself to do something he doesn’t want to becomes as easy as breathing.

Even so, he gathers all of his remaining force and shouts through a pair of lungs that feel too big for his chest.

“Robin chw~an!!! Please come and save me. I’m sorry, but I can’t win this fight. Please help me, Robin-chan~!!!”

His lungs are burning with pain, and his body is wracked with a string of coughs afterwards. But as his embarrassing pleas get broadcasted all over the castle, he has never felt so relieved in his life. He knows that Robin-chan will definitely come.

Giving up can never be easy, but it can be easier if there are people in one’s corner. His friends have taught him this precious lesson.

He doesn’t want to fight with women, so he doesn’t.

Just like that time when he swore that he would never pick up a weapon again. He could’t bare the feeling of taking life with his hands. He thinks back to his life in East Blue, to that one ship that he still calls home, to its owner. That man had taught him that it was okay to not want to turn one’s sword on others. The man had shown him the different ways to fight. Even if it was difficult, he had long decided to limit his weapon to his own two legs. And to be good at fighting with one’s kicks alone was not an easy feat.

He thinks of Zoro and Niji, whose weapon of preference is the sword. He knows that he himself doesn’t have the same hardiness to turn the blade on others. That may make him a coward, but in his heart he has long since accepted that.

He didn’t want to hold a weapon, so he didn’t.

And that time with the honey bee. Even if he knew that it’s natural for marine bees to go several days on a hunt without food or water, he still couldn’t bare to have to subject it to starvation on his watch. It brought the fear back to him. The nightmares of isolation and starvation, the close brush with death.

“Let’s spar. Blow some steam or that big head of yours will explode.”

Zoro was trying to distract him in his own crude way. He gripped the back of Zoro’s shirt and tried to pull himself out of the paralysing distress. Zoro had to have been aware of what he was going through, or the other wouldn’t have proposed a spar in the first place.

Confronting his fear was something he had always been trying to avoid. However, Zoro had taken the first step to meet him halfway. The swordsman didn’t ask, didn’t make him talk. The other was just…there. It was unexpectedly grounding.

He decided to crack open the lid of the box that he had kept locked away inside of him, and whispered in a broken voice.

“What if that bee just dropped dead on our watch…?”

Zoro sighed heavily, totally exasperated.

“Let it die, then. It’s just a bee.”

“I know… but I’ll blame myself for it.”

“It might not even have anything to do with whether you feed it or not, idiot.”

“I know… but let’s minimize the possibility?”

“…Stupid cook.”

Despite his grumble, Zoro set him back on his feet. Together, they fed the bee ( _their natural diet is fish_ , Chopper had said) before setting it free. Zoro helped him caught another of its kind and tied it in place of the first one. They’d exchange the bee again in the morning, if they hadn’t reached the island by daybreak.

That time, Zoro had cradled the back of his head and pushed it against the other’s broad shoulder. He had tensed at first, and clung to the swordsman hesitantly. The swordsman smelled like the sea and sweat.

“You don’t have to do what you don’t want to do.”

Tension bled out of his body and he relaxed into the one arm hug. He pressed his forehead against Zoro’s chest willingly and allowed his fear to resurface. The fear — the ghost of hunger gnawing at his stomach, the doubt of the coming of tomorrow — it was so long ago and yet so recent. He let himself tremble into Zoro’s chest. The instance of self-imposed vulnerability had taken a lot out of him.

He didn’t want to let the bee starve, so he didn’t.

“Try to rely on us a little more.”

Zoro had said at that time.

In the distance, he can detect the presence of two people with his observation Haki. Black Maria has lied about letting him go if he calls Robin-chan for her. The devil fruit user swings her arm back, going in for a final punch.

He looks up at his enemy as he braces himself for the blow. His heart is unwavering as he waits for the arrival of his friend. He has already lost this battle, there is nothing to fear anymore.

Nico Robin steps into the Banquet Hall.

Admitting to weakness doesn’t necessarily makes one weak. Not doing what one doesn’t want to do sometimes requires a surprising amount of strength, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> This has to be the soonest update I've ever done...ever? 
> 
> I've read Chapter 1005, and am really happy with the character development we're shown. It made me want to write an elaboration of the story, so here it is! Basically, it's centered around the different issues Sanji has, and how these come in to play in the choices that he's made. Let's just say that in real life, he'd just be one stuck-up bitch, with so many self-imposed rules. The expression I'm think of is "Wagamama" -- a self-indulgent person. He would have made a really strong fighter if he /does/ fight with a weapon (sword, maybe?) and against women -- or just, fighting with his all for the sake of getting stronger, to begin with. But that's not his plot line, so let's not talk about it. I guess what makes him a very interesting character is because of these stupid rules that don't really make a lot of sense, especially to Western readers, and how he works around them. He'd be a terrible person in real life, and I'd definitely find it hard to become his friend. All I can say is -- Zoro to the rescue, I guess.
> 
> TLDR : So I, uh, hope you enjoy my take on the story. Thank you for sticking with me til the end, if you're still reading this line. Please shout at me in the comments! I'd love to hear all of your thoughts on the story :)


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